


Werewolves of Unusual Size? I Don't Think They Exist

by leveragehunters (Monkeygreen)



Series: Werewolf? There Wolf [4]
Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Modern: No Powers, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Humor, M/M, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Ridiculous, Werewolf Steve Rogers, author is not a physicist, cryptozoology for all, for a given value of serum, gratuitous Seanan McGuire references, liberally borrowing from the InCryptid series, no powers except for Steve being a werewolf, nor is anyone else, this is definitely ridiculous, whatever you're expecting from a werewolf AU it probably isn't this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-03
Updated: 2016-10-03
Packaged: 2018-08-18 20:38:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8175235
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Monkeygreen/pseuds/leveragehunters
Summary: When the bartender of their local watering hole hits Bucky and Steve up for a favour—play guide for his cousin and her colleagues in the forest for a few days—they probably should have asked exactly what the cousin and the colleagues intended to do in the forest before they agreed.Turns out, the cousin and the colleagues are cryptozoologists and what they want to do is hunt down creatures that most people don't believe exist.(PS: Steve is still a werewolf.)





	

**Author's Note:**

> Aeslin Mice, the Screaming Yams, and the Fricken, along with all the scientific names belong to Seanan McGuire's _InCryptid_ series and her _Field Guide to the Cryptids of North America_. Collective nouns are taken from [this _Wondermark_ strip](http://wondermark.com/566/) by David Maliki. Also, I didn't want to create a whole pile of OCs, so...in this AU everyone's a cryptozoologist! Sorry, physics, engineering and biochemistry. 
> 
> We're switching movies for this one's title, which is adapted from the _The Princess Bride_ :  
>  _ **Buttercup:** Westley, what about the ROUSs?_  
>  _ **Westley:** Rodents of unusual size? I don't think they exist._  
>  _[Westley is immediately leapt upon by a rodent of unusual size]_

* * *

 

_Anyone who thinks cryptozoology is the study of the impossible has never really taken a very good look at the so-called "natural world". Once you get past the megamouth sharks, naked mole rats, and spotted hyenas, then the basilisks, dragons, and cuckoos just don't seem that unreasonable. Unpleasant, yes, but unreasonable? Not really._

― Seanan McGuire, _Discount Armageddon_

 

"I'm coming with you." Steve was leaning in the doorway of their room, arms crossed, face a picture of stubbornness.  

Bucky looked up from where he was kneeling next to the bed, tucking clothes into his backpack. "You don't need to. I'll only be gone for a few days." Not that he wanted to be away from Steve for that long.

"I remember." Steve pushed off the doorframe and walked over to settle his fingers gently on Bucky's head. "I also remember how you were when you got back."

Bucky leaned into Steve's touch and Steve smiled, sliding his fingers through Bucky's hair, and Bucky sighed a little. "Yeah, but I promise not be an asshole this time."

"Big promise," Steve teased and Bucky snorted. Steve lifted Bucky's backpack out of the way to sit on the bed in front of him. "It's not about how you are when you get back. It's about how you feel when you're there. You said the people at Stark Labs don't see you." Bucky sat back on his heels, looking up at Steve. He hadn't realised Steve had remembered; he should have known better. "That they just see your arm and you're a problem they have to deal with." Steve gently ran one finger across Bucky's metal knuckles. "Unless you were lying to me, and I know you weren't."

He caught Steve's hand, kissed it before letting it go. "I wasn't."

"Then I'm coming with you."

Bucky propped his forearms on Steve's thighs and considered him. He knew other Stark Labs...patients? subjects?...didn't go alone, brought friends, family, significant others with them for support. The idea of having Steve with him, of not having to sit alone under the bright lights while they poked at him like some sort of lab animal, was so good. He'd never have asked Steve to come with him—and maybe he should have, maybe that was something he should have done—but with Steve sitting here, insisting, that stubborn look in his eyes... "There's no point arguing with you about this, is there?" he asked, unable to keep the happiness out of his voice.

"Nope."

"Okay, then." He pushed up on his knees to kiss him. "I won't waste my time."

 

* * *

 

Steve didn't like the city. If he'd thought about it, Bucky would have realised how overwhelming the sounds, the smells, would be to him. Everything was so much _more_ than at their house in the forest, but Steve wrinkled his nose, pulled Bucky closer so he could bury his face in Bucky's neck and breathe deep, and didn't complain.

There was no problem when they got to Stark Labs, no one batted an eyelid when he signed Steve in as his support person. The lights were blindingly bright, the techs, the doctors clean-cut and professional, the equipment looked like something from a sci-fi movie—but then so did Bucky's arm. Everything that wasn't white or silver was red and gold, Stark's signature colours; everything, regardless of colour, _gleamed_.

Just like always, it didn't take long for Bucky's shoulders—both his right and what remained of his left—his back, his hips, his right arm, to start aching. Just like always, no one quite made eye contact with him, no one quite acknowledged _him_ , all their attention, all their passion, for the metal arm embedded in his inconvenient flesh and blood body.

For the first time, it didn't bother him. Steve was a warm, solid presence at his side, one hand pressed under his right shoulder blade. The techs might not see him but Steve did, Steve was there, whispering the occasional sarcastic comment in his ear, making Bucky fight not to laugh when he was supposed to be holding still. When one of the doctors suggested Steve might like to wait off to one side of the room, Steve raised both eyebrows and looked down his nose at him, like Steve was a nanny and the doctor his misbehaving charge, the doctor wilted and Bucky grinned.

After that, everyone worked around Steve without complaint. And Steve did try and stay out of their way, eyes half-lidded against the lights Bucky knew were too bright for him.

When they did the range of motion test, Steve moulded himself against Bucky's right side, nose against his temple, and the comfort was a counterbalance to the pain as he pushed his left shoulder joint, his left arm to the limits of what it could do. Bucky understood the need for all of this: to keep his arm in working order, to make sure his muscles, his bones, his spine, remained undamaged from carrying its weight. He was _grateful_ for his arm, beyond grateful after what it had saved him from, after what it had let him do for those three werewolves.

But nothing, not that knowledge, not even Steve's warm, solid presence, was _ever_ going to make him like these fucking tests.

"What happened here?" It was another one of the techs, Emily, Bucky thought her name was. She was looking at the scrapes and dents left by Brock's teeth. Steve stiffened and Bucky reached out with his right arm to pull Steve closer.

"Dog attack," Bucky lied. "I got my arm up in time but it did some damage."

Steve wrapped his hand around the back of Bucky's neck, his need to hang onto Bucky palpable and he couldn't haul him into his arms the way Bucky knew he wanted to. Bucky could feel the tension in Steve's fingers and he snuck his hand under Steve's shirt to run his fingers over the skin above Steve's hip.

"Hmmm, that's odd," probably-Emily said. "The metal should have stood up better than this to a dog."

"It was a big dog," Bucky said. "Huge, with huge teeth. Maybe had some bulldog in it or something. One of those breeds with massive jaws."

"We'll have to replace those plates." Probably-Emily turned to one of the other techs. "Luis, can you get the kit?"

"Can I have them?" Steve asked suddenly, making probably-Emily, Luis, and Bucky stare at him. "When you take the damaged plates off. Can I have them?"

"Uh, I guess so?" Probably-Emily silently consulted with Luis, who shrugged. "Sure."

 "Steve?" Bucky asked quietly once probably-Emily and Luis were distracted with his arm. They were carefully prying off the damaged plates; it wasn't painful, was just uncomfortable, a dull, distant tugging that made his fingers twitch.

"It saved you, Bucky." Steve's voice was quiet, but there was a richness to it, a depth of emotion that reached right down inside Bucky and wrapped around his heart. "They shouldn't just get thrown away."

Bucky leaned his head against Steve's chest, the discomfort of his arm being opened up falling away in the face of Steve's warmth, the sound of his heart beating. "You're kind of ridiculous sometimes, you know that?"

"I'm not admitting anything," Steve said and kissed the top of Bucky's head, but when they left the lab he had the three plates from Bucky's arm wrapped in a piece of cloth and carefully tucked in his pocket.

 

* * *

 

Sitting in the passenger side of their truck, leaning against the window while Steve drove them home from the airport, Bucky realised he was tired and sore. _Only_ tired and sore. The bone deep exhaustion that usually accompanied him back from Stark Labs, the weariness that was more anger and frustration than anything else, was nowhere to be found. His muscles and bones were aching, but it was nothing he couldn't handle. All because he'd had Steve with him. "Want to stop for a beer?" It'd been weeks since they'd been to the Howling Commandos and they had to drive through town to get home.

Steve shot him a glance. "Beer and painkillers don't sound like a great combination."

"It's ibuprofen. I didn't take any of the serious stuff and I won't if we're stopping for a beer."

 "Sure, then," Steve said, flashing him a quick grin.

Dum Dum was holding court at the bar and he called out their names as they walked in, adding, "Just the men I was hoping to see."

"That sounds ominous," Bucky replied as he and Steve grabbed stools at the bar.

"Nothing that bad." Dum Dum pulled two beers and set one in front of Steve and one in front of Bucky. "On the house."

"Now I'm really worried," Bucky said, frowning suspiciously at the beer. "Are you dying? Do you need a kidney? I think I've lost enough body parts for one life time."

Steve smothered a smile.

"Has anyone ever told you you're overly dramatic?" Dum Dum asked Bucky.

"Yes," Steve said firmly, taking a sip of his beer and Bucky rolled his eyes.

"Good," Dum Dum replied. "Now, the favour I need to ask. I'd say between the two of you, you know the forest just about better than anyone else around here."

"Was there a question in there somewhere?" Steve asked with a grin.

"Smart ass."

Steve nodded to concede the point.

"My cousin and a few of her colleagues are going to be passing through on their way to a conference up at Lake Michigan. They were hoping to head out into the forest for a few days. I was thinking the two of you might be willing to play guide, make sure they don't get lost or eaten by bears, that sort of thing. I'd owe you."

Bucky glanced over at Steve, eyebrows slightly raised. Steve lifted one shoulder. "When?" Bucky asked.

"Next week."

Bucky looked back at Steve, who shrugged again. "Sure, I don't see why not," Bucky said. "Better than having to join the search party when they get lost trying to find their way on their own."

"Great! I'll let them know. But," his expression sobered, "and I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this."

Next to him, Steve straightened, immediately alert. "What?" Bucky asked. "What's wrong?"

"I know it's going to be rough on you." Dum Dum leaned forward, eyes serious and compassionate. "But Bucky?"

"What is it?"

"None of them are nudists."

Bucky blinked, stared, then he groaned and clonked his head down on the bar.

Steve relaxed, but his voice was deeply confused when he asked, "Nudists?"

"I'm never going to live that down am I?" Bucky muttered.

"Not a chance."

"Live what down?" Steve asked.

"Bucky here came wandering in one night and asked if there were any nudist colonies in the area," Dum Dum said.

"And you can't let it go."

"It's a small town. We don't get a lot of entertainment so we hang onto the little we find."

Bucky glanced at Steve. A grin was slowly spreading across his face and Bucky knew he was putting two and two together, remembering that first naked encounter in the forest. "Did he say why he was asking about nudist colonies?" Steve asked Dum Dum without taking his eyes off Bucky.

"No. There was no lead in, no build up. He just blurted it out. That's kind of what made it so memorable."

Steve's grin got wider.

"I hate you," Bucky told Steve.

"No you don't," Steve said and squeezed Bucky's knee.

Bucky sighed. "No I don't. You on the other hand," he turned his attention back to Dum Dum, who smirked at him. Bucky looked valour in the face and opted for discretion: he changed the subject. "What exactly is your cousin going to be doing in the forest?"

Dum Dum lifted his hands in a _what can you do, she's family_ gesture. "Looking for things that don't exist. She's a cryptozoologist."

 

* * *

 

"Are you sure it's a good idea to spend three days leading a bunch of cryptozoologists around?" Bucky mumbled into his pillow. He'd lost all his bones somewhere, but that was fine. He didn't need them. He was flat on his stomach, Steve straddling his ass while he massaged Bucky's back and right shoulder, carefully skirting around the left where skin joined metal.  Whatever liniment Steve was rubbing into him smelled amazing, like cinnamon and honey, and it was spreading heat through every throbbing muscle, through every aching joint, driving away the pain.

Or maybe that was just Steve's hands. Probably it was just Steve. He really wished he wasn't so tired.

"It'll be fine." Steve carefully ran his thumbs up the sides of Bucky's spine, digging into the muscle with the perfect amount of pressure, and Bucky groaned. "I just won't shift while they're here."

"But weird creatures are what they do." The only thing Bucky knew about cryptozoologists was what he'd learned at the roadside attraction with the fake vampire they'd visited on their way to the grand canyon, but he knew that much.

Steve's voice shook with barely supressed laughter. "Are you calling me a weird creature?"

"Yes," Bucky said. "And stop changing the subject."

"It'll be okay, Bucky." Steve pushed Bucky's hair out of the way and kissed the back of his neck, then the spot between his shoulder blades.

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure. I promise to be careful. You don't have to worry."

He was too relaxed, too _distracted,_ to argue with Steve. He was pretty sure Steve knew exactly what he was doing. "Fine, but I reserve the right to worry in the future."

"That's fair." Steve's hands were running over him in long slow strokes, dipping down to trace his hips. "How tired are you?" he asked, sliding lower to kiss his way down the curve of Bucky's spine.

Bucky smiled, slow and sleepy, and rolled over. "Maybe not that tired."

 

* * *

 

The cryptozoologists arrived in two cars and piled out of them, talking all at once. Bucky had been expecting something more sideshow attraction and less sober professional, assumptions influenced by the same roadside attraction that had taught him about the existence of cryptids and those who studied them, but they were driving an SUV and a sedan. Perfectly boring, ordinary vehicles, in perfectly boring, ordinary colours. They were well dressed for three days of hiking and camping: sensible clothes, solid boots, and proper backpacks, demolishing all of Bucky's half-formed notions one by one.

There were five of them all up: Leo Fitz and Jemma Simmons, not Leo and Jemma but Fitz and Simmons individually, FitzSimmons collectively, since they were very much a single unit, right down to the way they talked, which was British. Jane Foster, who was Dum Dum's cousin and _intense_ , and Darcy Lewis who was the opposite of intense but bustled around Jane, seeming to keep that intensity contained. Maria Hill, who in some strange way he couldn't quite put his finger on reminded Bucky of Steve. Steve's eyes narrowed thoughtfully as he watched her, head lifted slightly as he caught her scent, so Bucky knew it wasn't just him.

"She's not a?" Bucky asked as he gestured at Steve, voice whisper-quiet, knowing Steve would hear him, and Steve shook his head.

Maria managed the introductions and there was a brief moment when Jane and FitzSimmons focussed on Bucky's metal arm with laser-sharp intensity. It would have been uncomfortable, except he wasn't sure they even realised they were doing it. "Stark Industries?" Jane asked.

"Yes," Bucky replied, holding it out so she could get a better look if she wanted. All three of them crowded around, none of them touching it, courtesy Bucky appreciated, but examining it closely. Then, as if someone had rung a bell, they all straightened at once, seeming satisfied.

"It's beautiful," Simmons said, smiling up at him, drawing an answering smile from Bucky.

"Seriously amazing work," Fitz added, then they wandered off to confer over what needed to go in their packs, leaving Bucky blinking after them.

Maria walked over to stand next to them. She gave Bucky and the rifle over his shoulder an approving look. It wasn't like they needed the rifle—nothing dangerous was going to come anywhere near Steve—but that wasn't something they could explain. "Have you ever dealt with scientists before?"

"Not really," Bucky said, still a bit bemused. The people at Stark Labs didn't count, since they never dealt with _him_ , just his arm.

Steve shook his head.

"It's a bit like herding cats, but if you can get them all pointed in the same direction, you'll be fine."

"Hey, I'm not a scientist!" Darcy popped up next to Maria.

"Darcy's technically right, she's a political science major," Jane said as she wandered over again. "Not actual science. Darcy, have you seen my notebook?"

"How did a political science major end up with cryptozoologists?" Bucky asked curiously.

"I needed six college credits, Jane needed an assistant and I was the only one to apply." She grinned and flicked her gaze over Steve. "And I've always appreciated the beauty of the outdoors."

Steve's ears went pink and Bucky had to bite his tongue to keep from laughing. There was something so completely innocuous about Darcy's admiring gaze—and there was a lot to admire about Steve—he couldn’t bring himself to mind. "The scenery _is_ nice this time of year," he told her and she grinned at him before dragging Jane off.

"You sound like you've got some experience dealing with them," Steve said.

"You could say that. I'm their designated wrangler, at least in urban environments." She smiled briefly. "I'm assured you two know the forest like the backs of your hands, but I'm not in the habit of letting them go off on their own with strange people." She paused. "No offense."

"None taken," Bucky said. Steve was still giving her that thoughtful look. "How about if we focus on making sure no one gets lost or eaten by bears or falls off a mountain and you worry about keeping them wrangled?"

Maria watched the four scientists—three scientists and Darcy, Bucky mentally amended—and then nodded. "Deal."

 

* * *

 

Bucky and Steve led the group into the forest, working their way deeper, avoiding the obvious trails, both human and animal-made. Jane and FitzSimmons wanted to go off the beaten path, away from anywhere people would have been.

It was actually surprisingly easy to keep the three scientists under wraps, Darcy trudging along after them, obviously not a fan of the forest, but she didn't complain, was ready with whatever Jane needed. They had a very specific set of goals and a very specific set of criteria they were looking for. Apparently, only certain kinds of cryptids could live in this particular part of North America, and each had their own specific environmental needs, left specific signs of their presence. Luckily, it was easy for Bucky and Steve to take them where they wanted to go. With the amount of time Steve had spent living in the forest, with the amount of time Bucky and Steve spent in it together, both for fun and while Steve was teaching him to think like a werewolf, there was almost no part of it they didn't know. 

Bucky had expected random careening around the forest but they were working their way through a list of possible cryptids, measured and methodical, even if their list sounded like something out of a fever dream. It made it easy to guide them, stopping while they pulled out tape measures and vials and sample bags, pulled out cameras and Jane's notebook, which she was fiercely protective of. The hardest part turned out to be getting them to take a break if they thought they'd found something important. 

Bucky ranged along the front of the group, Maria covering the middle, and Steve brought up the rear. Bucky was happier having him there, out of direct sight of the three scientists— _because_ they were scientists and who knew what they might notice—although he'd been amused by Darcy's sad sigh and knew by the way his ears had turned pink that Steve had heard her mutter about the loss of the view.

 

* * *

 

They were deep in forest when they stopped for the night, the trees ancient and towering into the sky. Bucky and Steve set up the camp, Maria pitching in without being asked while the others went over the day's results and Darcy took notes. 

After dinner, the campfire was roaring and everyone had a tin mug of hot chocolate. Bucky was tucked between Steve's knees, leaning back on his chest, when Steve said, "I'm sorry you didn't find anything today."

"No no, we did find things," Simmons said.

"We found significant environments, ones that can potentially support a range of cryptids," Fitz added.

"That's a good thing," Simmons continued.

"And just because we didn't see anything doesn't mean they weren't there," Fitz finished. "We'd need to come back with surveillance and time to observe for weeks to be completely sure there's nothing here. This is more of a preliminary scouting run."

"They're right," Jane said. "Sometimes it's about eliminating places cryptids _can't_ be before you start seriously looking for places they are."

"So it's not a short term goal," Steve said thoughtfully.

Bucky sipped his hot chocolate, watching the flames, only half-listening to the conversation. Maria was leaning against a tree just outside the circle of light cast by the fire. Bucky could barely make out her features, but he could tell she was watching Jane.

"No serious science is," Jane said.

"Speak for yourself, boss," Darcy said around a yawn.

"Not for a serious scientist," Jane amended. "For you," she nudged Darcy with her shoulder, "we'll see."

"It's not just working out where things aren't. You've got to work out what's not real," Simmons said. "I mean, take the Flatwoods Monster. How long did people believe in that when it was obviously just a barn owl?"

"Probably seen by someone who was drunk," Fitz added.

"And probably seen by someone who was very drunk, yes. Then there's all those bunyips and drop bears and yowies. No one has any idea about those."

"Oh, well, Australia." Jane made a face. "All bets are off with Australia."

Steve laughed and Bucky smiled, wriggling a little to settle himself more comfortably against Steve's chest.

" _Apodemus sapiens_?" Jane offered.

"Aeslin mice," Fitz clarified at Steve's blank look. "Intelligent, talking, polytheistic rodents."

"If they ever existed, they're certainly extinct," Simmons said. "Which is a tragedy."

Fitz suggested, "Frickens?"

" _Aves anura_ or _mefita iris_?" Jane asked

Darcy raised an eyebrow. "What's the difference?"

" _Aves anura_ are common frickens, _mefita iris_ are poison dart frickens."

"And what's a fricken?"

"Darcy," Jane said with a look of deep disappointment.

"So shoot me, I haven't memorised every last creepy creature."

"It's a kind of winged frog with feathers," Simmons explained. "Poison dart frickens only live in the rain forest, so no need to worry."

"But that river we passed today, that would be good territory for _aves anura_ ," Fitz said.

Simmons nodded. "It would. How about werewolves?"  

"Don't exist," Jane said with conviction.

Bucky choked on his hot chocolate.

"What?" Simmons was aghast.

"How can you _say_ that?" Fitz asked.

"That's the one cryptid almost everyone agrees must exist!"

"They can't," Jane said calmly.

"Okay, can you explain how exactly you reached that ridiculous conclusion?" Fitz demanded.

"Basic physics." Now everyone was staring at her. "The law of conservation of mass? In a chemical reaction or physical transformation matter can't be destroyed or created? It means werewolves can't exist."

Bucky bit his lip and Steve pulled him closer. He glanced over his shoulder. Steve was staring at Jane in fascination.

"Look, it's very simple." Her eyes passed over everyone seated around the campfire then landed on Steve and lit up. "Let's say you were a werewolf," she said to Steve.

Bucky burst out laughing. Steve clamped a hand over Bucky's mouth and Bucky tried to get himself under control. "Sorry about him. He's got no manners sometimes. So...let's say I was a werewolf?" Steve prompted politely.

"Yes," Jane said. "You must weigh, what, about two hundred pounds?"

"Something like that."

"Even the biggest male grey wolves only reach around one hundred pounds, so if you were a werewolf." Bucky snorted. Steve's hand tightened over his mouth. "Where would the extra hundred pounds go? Either you'd be a giant wolf or you'd have to somehow store a hundred pounds of mass somewhere and then retrieve it when you turned back into a human. And that's ridiculous. None of the werewolf legends talk about people turning into _giant_ wolves or only tiny people being werewolves. Which means there's almost no chance they're true. It's not me saying it," she added to FitzSimmon's dropped jaws, "it's the basic laws of physics. We're scientists, we have to respect them."

"Makes sense," Maria said.

"So just to make sure I have this right," Steve said, cautiously taking his hand away from Bucky's mouth. "If I was a werewolf." It took every ounce of Bucky's self-control to keep a straight face. "I wouldn't exist?"

Jane blinked, seeming to turn that over, then nodded. "That's right."

"Good to know," Steve said innocently.

Bucky put his forehead on Steve's knee and closed his eyes.

 

* * *

 

The tent was really too small for both of them to be comfortable, but Bucky had cleverly solved this problem by lying on top of Steve. It was a much more efficient use of space.

"I have a question." Bucky's voice was low, barely a whisper, as he pulled away from Steve. Steve grumbled unhappily, threading his fingers through Bucky's hair to tug his head back down. Bucky obliged him, leaning into the kiss until they were both breathing hard, but pulled back enough to say, "No, it's important."

Steve sighed and opened his eyes, then carefully tucked Bucky's hair behind his ear, letting his fingers trail down Bucky's neck. He followed the path with his mouth, kissing a line towards Bucky's collarbone. Bucky shivered, but didn't let himself get distracted and poked Steve in the side, fingers skittering over his ribs. "What's your question?" Steve asked around a laugh.

Bucky put his mouth right next to Steve's ear. "If you don't exist, who's kissing me?"

Steve grinned against his skin. "Good question. Want me to stop?"

"Don't you dare."

 

* * *

 

Maria fell into step beside Bucky, who was bringing up the rear of their little group. The scientists were walking slowly, eyes on the ground, looking for Bucky wasn't sure what. Steve was walking at their head, any worry Bucky had over them somehow knowing what he was having evaporated with Jane's absolute certainty—and the others' eventual grudging agreement—that he couldn't exist.

"Bucky."

"What can I do for you?"

"I appreciate you taking the time to bring us out here."

"No problem," he replied cautiously, because her tone didn't match her words and he knew something else was coming. He saw Steve's back stiffen, knew he was listening.  

"But laughing at people just because they believe something you don't? That's not okay."

Bucky blinked and his steps slowed. "Excuse me?"

"Last night. I know that what Jane and her group do may seem like a waste of time to you, but it's serious science, she teaches classes at dozens of universities, and just because you personally haven't seen anything strange doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist."

He had absolutely no idea what to say and giving into the semi-hysterical laughter that wanted to escape his throat would _definitely_ not help matters.

She seemed to be waiting for a response and when one didn't come, she added, "There's more things out there than you can explain, science finds new things every year that everyone knew didn't exist, and whether you believe in them or not, laughing at people who do is pretty crappy."

And now he just felt like an asshole. "Sorry," he said, because he didn't want anyone's feelings hurt, no matter how ridiculous the situation had been. "I wasn't laughing like that. It was," he paused, gazed up at the sky for a minute, wondering how this was his life, before he went on, "it just surprised me, is all. No offense meant and I definitely wasn't laughing at Jane. I wasn't laughing at any of them."

Her gaze was piercing as she studied him, as if measuring his sincerity. "Good enough." She nodded once and sped up, moving to walk at the front of the group. Steve slowed his pace, drifting back to fall into stride next to Bucky.

"That was awkward," he said with absolutely no sympathy.

Bucky shook his head. "You have no idea."

Steve grinned and looped an arm around his shoulders.

 

* * *

 

It turned out what the scientists were looking for were yams.

"You're looking for vegetables?" Bucky was careful to keep the disbelief out of his voice. He had a one-awkward-conversation-per-outing limit and absolutely no desire to go over that.

"Vegetables that migrate," Simmons said in a distracted tone. The three scientists were huddled around Jane, or rather around her notebook, muttering to each other, the occasional esoteric phrase drifting over. It had taken Maria and Darcy's combined efforts, along with Steve planting himself in front of them and refusing to move, to get them to stop for lunch.  Now they were eating automatically while they went over their notes. " _Ipomoea animus_. Screaming yams."

"It's a thing," Darcy said with a vague wave of her hand. "Don't worry about it."

Even knowing that werewolves existed, which arguably opened up the door to all sorts of possibilities, migrating screaming vegetables were straining the limits of Bucky's belief. He decided to take Darcy's advice. He turned his attention to eating, leaning against Steve who had half an eye on Maria. She was prowling around the edge of the group, always staying the same distance from Jane, like she was joined to the other woman with an invisible tether.

"Bucky? Steve?" It was Fitz.

Bucky swallowed what he was eating. "Yeah?"

"Is there anywhere around here that would have," Simmons waved her hand in the air, "sheltered places over dirt? Where things could grow? That we could get to today?"

Steve frowned thoughtfully. "There might be."

Which was how they found themselves in part of the forest Bucky had never seen. It was old, some of the ancient trees having surrendered to wind and time and gravity and crashed to the earth. They made a maze, lying one over the other, creating dark cavernous spaces where only the faintest light crept in to illuminate dark soil patches.

"Perfect," Jane breathed and Maria gave Steve a nod of approval.

 

* * *

 

The three scientists were on their hands and knees in the shady cave formed by an ancient fallen tree, digging carefully in the dirt, intensely focused on their task, as if the rest of the world had ceased to exist. Bucky was standing far enough away he couldn't make out what they were saying, mind wandering, while Steve crouched at his feet, leaning against his legs. Darcy had disappeared to take care of personal business. Maria was wandering, looking for other potential areas that could be home to migrating yams.

A low creak and a sharp crack pulled Bucky's head around and he watched in horror as the fallen tree in whose shadow the scientists were working shifted, started to drop. Faster than Bucky could follow, Steve was there, braced underneath it, trembling with the effort, but Bucky knew, for all his incredible strength, he wouldn't be able to hold it: the tree was massive, kin to the towering giants reaching up around them, but Bucky knew he'd try. Bucky was moving, heading for the three scientists, who hadn't heard the sound, who hadn't noticed Steve, his mouth open to call them away, but before he could speak a blur shot past him and suddenly Steve wasn't alone. Maria was there, braced on the other side, sharing the strain, sharing the weight. Blue rippled across her skin in strange, swirling patterns and her eyes were tinged with red.

Neither spoke, neither moved, just stood, impossibly _inhumanly_ strong, taking the weight of the tree. Bucky gathered up the three scientists, keeping them turned away from Steve, from Maria, luring them out with the promise of greenery: he thought it might be what they were looking for, he wasn't sure but it might have moved all on its own, and Jane said, "If he actually saw something move we need to see it _now_ ," then they were following him up and away like tame ducklings while unnoticed behind them Steve and Maria held the tree.

Bucky counted in his head and there was an unholy crash at ten _._ He whirled to see the tree had smashed into the ground, dirt and rocks fountaining up from the impact, looked frantically for Steve, found him crouching only a few feet away and knew he'd leapt clear. Steve wasn't looking at Bucky, he was staring at Maria, who was moving quickly to put herself between Steve and the scientists.

He wasn't even slightly surprised when Steve moved to stand next to him, not _quite_ in front of him, not _quite_ between him and Maria, but right there all the same. Because whatever Maria was, she wasn't human and neither of them knew what that might mean. Bucky wrapped his arm around Steve's waist and Steve leaned into him.

"That would have been a perfect habitat," Simmons said mournfully.

"At least there weren't any there," Fitz said, patting her comfortingly on the shoulder.

Jane stared at the spot where they'd been working, where they would have been crushed under the gigantic tree, then shifted her gaze to Bucky. "Thank you," she said earnestly. Before Bucky could reply, and he honestly wasn't sure what he was going to say, she continued, "Show us where you think you saw the yams?"

Maria looked wary, Steve was alert beside him, but despite the tension rolling between them, despite how close they'd just come to disaster, Bucky felt a spark of amusement at Jane's single-mindedness. It was like she had a checklist in her head: we almost died, we didn't die, I thanked the person who kept us from dying—or so she thought—now back to science. "Up there," he said, pointing.

Darcy suddenly appeared out of the trees, roll of toilet paper in hand, and took in the scene. "Okay, I was gone for five minutes. _Five._ Why did you start destroying the forest?"

 

* * *

 

Maria watched Steve warily for the rest of the day. Steve wasn't wary; he was more...cautious. When they sat around the campfire that night, Maria didn't stay outside the circle of flame; she sat between Steve and Bucky and her little group of scientists. Darcy noticed the tension, glancing back and forth between Maria and Steve, but she didn't ask.

Jane and FitzSimmons were oblivious, roasting marshmallows while they had some kind of competition. Bucky wasn't sure what the rules were, what the point was, or what exactly they were talking about, but they seemed to be having fun. He leaned his head on Steve's shoulder and listened while he concentrated on getting his marshmallow just right and watched Steve watching Maria out of the corner of his eye.

"A scamper of bogeymen," Jane said.

"Very nice. Okay, a tackle of basilisks," Simmons offered.

"Oh, good one," Fitz said. "How about a lunacy of werewolves?"

"Doesn't count! We already decided they don't exist." It was Jane, of course.

"Yes, all right, I forgot," Fitz grumbled. "Okay, a clubbing of chupacabra."

"Better," from Simmons. "I'm going to go with a _dastardly_ of manticores."

"Oh, that's good," Jane said. "Hmm, how about a cabal of cockatrices?"

"Are we sure about cockatrices, though?" Simmons asked. "Wasn't there some thinking that they were just a subspecies of basilisk?"

"Yes." Jane nodded firmly. "Remember that zookeeper, the one who found those eggshells in that swamp outside of Ohio? I'm sure."

"Right, yes, okay." Fitz looked thoughtfully into the night sky while he poked a marshmallow onto a stick. Then he grinned. "An assault of Jersey Devils."

"You have to use cryptids that exist," Jane protested.

"No one's been able to _prove_ Jersey Devils don’t exist," Fitz said, looking more than a little smug. "I'm counting it."

"Cheater." Jane stuck out her tongue at him.

Bucky laughed under his breath and Steve pulled his attention away from Maria to kiss him.

 

* * *

 

The tent was still too small for the two of them, but Steve adopted Bucky's approach to making better use of the space. Bucky knew it was at least partly because he didn't know what Maria was, didn't know if she was potentially a threat. Steve's head was on his chest, he could feel Steve's breath against his throat, and he looped his left arm around Steve's neck, ran his fingers through Steve's hair. "Steve?"

"Mmm?"

"I don't think there's anything to worry about." He kept his voice low, quiet.

Steve lifted his head. "Not that I'm disagreeing with you, but why not?"

"Because of what she did."

Steve pushed up on his elbows, then folded his arms across Bucky's chest, looking up at him expectantly.

"Neither of you cared about being caught. The only thing you cared about was making sure no one got hurt." Bucky pressed up to kiss Steve's forehead. "She reacted exactly the same as you."

Steve's eyes fluttered briefly shut as Bucky kissed him. "That's true."

"Someone who reacts like you when people are in trouble? When they need help?" Bucky gently touched Steve's cheek. "It's not a bad way to get a feel for who they are." 

"Bucky..."

Bucky tapped the tip of Steve's nose with one metal finger, making Steve go briefly cross-eyed, then he reached up and grabbed Bucky's hand. "There's no point fighting me on this one."

"All right, no fighting." Steve held Bucky's metal hand against his cheek, pressed a kiss into the palm. "Since there's someone not a million miles from me now who went to the rescue because he thought it's what I would do."

Bucky went still. "You know that's not what I meant."

"Doesn't matter. It's what you said."

They lay quietly for a few minutes, listening to the sounds of the night, then with a soft sigh, Bucky cupped Steve's cheek. "I can't believe you kept those plates from my arm."

"Like I said, they're important."

"I'm going to start thinking you love my metal arm more than me," Bucky teased.

"Never, Bucky. But it's part of you. I love it just as much as I love the rest of you. I couldn't just let them get thrown out like garbage. I'm keeping them." He paused, then said, the smallest hint of uncertainty creeping into his voice, "Unless you don't want me to?"

"No, Steve. You can keep them." He paused, thinking about it, then ran his left hand over Steve's hair. "I guess I didn't want them to get thrown away either."

"Good." Steve shifted, settling himself more comfortably over Bucky, and Bucky let his left hand slip down to rest in the small of Steve's back. "So what do we do about Maria?"

"I think you need to talk to her, because right now she's probably wondering about you just like we're wondering about her. And she doesn’t have me there to help set her straight."

Steve laughed softly and stretched up to kiss him. "True," he said, kissing Bucky again. Then one more time, and one more time after that, and Bucky lost the thread of the conversation for awhile.

When he resurfaced, slightly breathless while Steve looked very pleased with himself, he asked, "Do you know what she is?"

"No idea."

"She doesn’t?" Bucky tapped his nose.

"A bit, but I don't go around assuming everyone who smells different is," Steve waved a hand. "They could be sick, they could be taking medication, there's a lot of reasons for people to smell strange."

"Huh. I never thought of that."

"No reason you should have," Steve said. "I'm not sure when I'm going to have a chance to talk to her."

Bucky absently ran his right hand through Steve's hair, thinking. "They've got two cars and they're all going from here to that conference, right? Maybe see if she can stay behind, catch up with them on the way."

"Good plan. I don't really want to have her out there, wondering if I'm something to worry about."

"Or having to wonder if she's going to point her pet scientists at you." Bucky kept his voice light, but it was a concern, his original worry about hauling cryptozoologists through the forest rearing its head.

"Or that," Steve agreed, settling his head back on Bucky's chest.

 

* * *

 

The journey back to the house in the forest was long but uneventful. When they reached the clearing, Steve and Bucky offered their shower to anyone who wanted to use it before they loaded up the cars and left. There was a collective scientific dash for the house, Darcy racing for the front of the pack.

Maria didn't join the race, was hanging back, and Steve slowly approached her. Bucky stayed where he was at the bottom of the stairs, not wanting to crowd her. "Hi."

"Hi," she replied neutrally.

"I think we need to talk."

"Wow, sounds like you're about to break up with me and we weren't even dating."

Bucky couldn't help a quick laugh. Steve smiled. "Can you stay? When they leave, could you stay, just for a bit, so we can talk?"

The look Maria gave him was careful, weighing him up. Steve's expression was open, his eyes very blue as he looked back at her, his body deliberately relaxed and non-threatening. "Why?"

"Because you and I both know what we're not. Because I'm not someone you have to worry about and I want to make sure you know that." He lowered his voice. "Because neither of us gave a damn if they found out we weren't human." Maria's expression was briefly shocked, like she couldn't believe Steve had just said it. "All we cared about was making sure no one got hurt."

Her posture eased. "Interesting way of looking at it," she said thoughtfully.

"I can't take credit for that one." Steve looked at Bucky and his eyes were filled with affection. "That was all him, but it was a hell of a good point."

After a long moment in which Bucky had no idea which way it was going to go, Maria looking from Steve to Bucky and back again, she nodded. "Okay."

Bucky wasn't sure what she said to Jane, but it seemed to satisfy her, and the scientists and Darcy all climbed into Jane's SUV, leaving FitzSimmon's car for Maria. When they were gone, waving and yelling thank you as they drove off with Darcy behind the wheel, Bucky turned to Maria. "Do you want a beer?"

Maria studied him for a moment then said, "Sure."

They ended up sitting on the grass, beers in hand, Bucky leaning against Steve's shoulder, in not exactly uncomfortable silence, when Maria asked, "Do you want to go first or will I?"

Bucky glanced at Steve who was smiling faintly. "I don't mind going first," Steve said. "But you're going not going to like it."

"Why wouldn't I like it?"

Bucky and Steve exchanged a look. "Do you want to tell her or should I do it?" Steve asked.

"I'll do it." Bucky sat up straighter. "He's a werewolf."

She frowned. "Very funny."

"No, I'm not kidding. He's a werewolf."

She looked back and forth between them. "You're serious."

They nodded.

Maria looked at the grass, then tilted her head up to consider Bucky. "Suddenly things make a lot more sense. I didn't think you were that much of an asshole."

Bucky groaned. "That was one awkward conversation." Steve snorted and Bucky shoved him, hard. "Shut up. I couldn't exactly tell her I was laughing because you're a werewolf, so I'm blaming you."

"Oh, _that's_ fair."

"I'm still doing it."

Maria was smiling as she watched them. "My turn?"

Bucky and Steve looked at her expectantly.

"My great great, look there's a lot of greats, grandpa was a jotunn." At their blank looks, she shrugged. "Frost giant or troll, depending on how the Old Norse gets translated, but really your guess is as good as mine. All I know is it makes me fast and strong, gives me those blue marks and makes my eyes turn red. Oh, and I _really_ don't like the heat. That's why I signed on as a cryptozoologist wrangler in the first place. I thought it might help me figure it out."

"Do they know?"

She shook her head. "Not a chance. You've seen them. Their hearts are in the right place, but I'm pretty sure I'd never get out of the lab if they found out." At Steve's look of concern she held up a hand. "Not because they wouldn't let me go, because they'd never stop asking _questions_." She paused, eyeing Steve speculatively. "You know what I'm going to ask, right?"

Steve sighed. "I've got an idea."

A few minutes later the bathroom scales were sitting on the concrete path. Steve stripped off, Maria politely averting her eyes, and he shifted to a wolf. It was awkward; he had to tuck all four paws together to try and perch on the scales while Maria read them and Bucky helped Steve keep his balance.

"Well, what do you know," Bucky said. "You do violate the laws of physics."

Maria shook her head. "I need another beer."

 

* * *

 

They exchanged numbers before she left, just in case, but Bucky didn't think she was the sort of person they'd stay in touch with for fun.

When she was gone, Bucky threw himself back on the lawn, arms outstretched. "Alone at last."

Steve stood over him, a foot on either side of Bucky's hips. "So apparently I violate the laws of physics?" He sounded deeply amused.

Bucky couldn't resist. Waggling his eyebrows as ridiculously as he knew how, he ran his hand up Steve's leg. "Want to violate something else?"

Steve stared down at him then started to chuckle, turning into full-blown laughter as Bucky smirked up at him. "Remind me why I love you again?" he managed to get out.

"Because I'm amazing," he said, pleased with Steve's reaction, loving the sound of Steve's laugh.

Steve dropped to his knees and slid his hands down Bucky's arms to twine their fingers together as he ran his nose up Bucky's neck. "You kind of are."

Bucky turned his head to catch Steve's mouth, lost himself in kissing him, in the feel of Steve against him, of Steve over him, and he sighed as Steve lifted his head. "And because I love you, too."

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed this bit of ridiculous fluff! I know I played a bit fast and loose with Marvel canon and traditional mythology with Maria, but if Asgardians can cross-breed with humans and jotunn in both, I figure jotunn can likely cross-breed with humans. *handwaves* The boys will return in part five, which will be a lot longer, a fair bit more serious, and feature (among other things) Natasha and her pack.


End file.
